Thursday, January 18, 2007

Three Predictions for Upcoming Cubs' Season

1. Key Players Suffer Serious Injuries
Alfonso Soriano suffers a season-ending injury following the fifth preseason game as he is signing autographs for a group of rabid fans convinced that 2007 is the year Cubs will finally win the World Series. The media leads with the story for the next 11 days with such headlines as: "Why Was Soriano Asked to Play in a Preseason Game?", "Cubs Endangering Their Players," and "Soriano Seventh Player To Land On the DL." Unable to stay in shape while injured, Soriano gains 60 pounds causing him to become one of the slowest players in the league while losing significant bat speed. No one question why a player can't exercise while rehabilitating a shoulder injury. During this period, it is also discovered that another four years were subtracted from his age and that he just turned 35.
Four weeks later, Aramis Ramirez accidentally impales himself on a leftover Dusty Baker toothpick while warming up in the on deck circle.

2. Bill Simmons Becomes a Cubs Fan
The city of Chicago offers Bill Simmons $20 million per season to become a Cubs fan and start writing about the team. Simmons hesitates explaining that it took him 35 years of cheering for the Red Sox for them to win the World Series and that he can't guarantee a shortened waiting period for the Cubs' World Series title. The Cubs' fans jump at the deal and immediately start printing "Chicago Cubs: World Series Champions 2042" t-shirts. Simmons starts writing weekly columns about the Cubs using mostly the Search and Replace function on his previous articles: Red Sox --> Cubs, Fenway --> Wrigley, Pedro --> Zambrano.

3. Lou Pinella Suffers a Nervous Breakdown
Lou Pinella has a nervous breakdown during the twelfth game of the season as Cubs flub another routine 6-4-3 double play. The 21 minute tirade includes a quarter of a gallon of spit and numerous clubhouse items being thrown on the field. The fans let out a collective groan as one of the items accidentally hits the goat the team brought to the game in order to end the curse of the Billy Goat. The meltdown ends as Pinella passes out from exhaustion. The game has to be postponed as all three bases are thrown in the stands.

Bonus: Hendry Saves Steve Bartman's Life
Jim Hendry performs a Heimlich maneuver on a fan choking on a hot dog only to realize afterwards the the guy was Steve Bartman. Paralyzed by his 2003 catch, Bartman goes on to allow a catchable fly ball to be caught by the Cardinals' third baseman during the last game of the season. Cubs just miss out on making the playoffs... by 11 1/2 games.

No comments: